Wednesday, May 23, 2012

life lesson


I don't know where to start, seriously. This is awkward. Cause I'm gonna storytell something that a bit private to me but I think I need to speak this out loud. I just want to share, sharing is loving I believe. 

First, hey I'm going to be twenty. I'm a big big girl in this big big world. 

I have one week left before I end my first year degree. Times fly, so fast. It never waiting you. 

Yeah, You live with people, I live with people. Honestly I might look "sombong" yea that's typical. I've been labeled with that long time ago. I'm not sure why, I don't smile often, I brisk walking I don't really greet every person I meet along the street, I'm short sighted sometimes I didn't put my glasses when people smile at me I don't know u're doing that cause I tak nampak! Sometimes I don't even talk much.  Few reasons I can give why they always say I'm sombong.  

To be frank, I'm not the type who would give a damn on what's happening around me. Like, I have my own world, I'm comfortable with that. I listen to my music, I dance to my beat, I wear my clothes, I read my kind of books, I don't run with crowd I go my own way. That's me. Maybe I'm used to it you can say for I'm the only child in my family. My upbringing that shaped me for how I see things around me. Everybody has their own skeleton in their closet. I had my history. I have my own reasons why I don't really open up, I don't want myself to get hurt and I build the wall to see who cares enough to break it. I run away sometimes to see who dare enough to follow me. I dissent myself sometimes of I'm afraid that my words, my present could hurt certain people without me knowing it. I don't want them to get upset & they talk behind me for things I did wrong. I had it enough.

But sometimes I wonder why would people give a shit about me. I don't talk about u behind your back, well I also got certain things that I don't like about you/people but as far as I try I can comprehend with it. I keep it inside, I keep things in line. I do that for you and me. Cause I know u have your reasons that I might not know. I don't want to judge u, I try not to hurt u cause I don't want you to hurt me too. Unfortunately people didn't do the same. 

I'm sorry I disappointed u did it for I didn't do it to you. I'm sorry that I need time to pick up the pieces and build it again. I'm sorry i really need time to handle that. I'm sorry for I may look strong but that doesn't mean it's okay to hurt me then. When I get hurt, I'm sorry that I need to have time on my own to set up everything again. I'm sorry once I make up my mind I may seem harder. Please don't just expect me to walk away, forgive and forget every single thing like it never happened.

 I just taught sometimes people who hurt me are so lucky cause I don't know how to hurt em back. 

So for what u did to me, I may forgive every single thing If and only If u're sorry and u really mean it. Cause I learn that forgive is one hardest part of life that I need to get used to. But dear, forgive doesn't mean forget. Certain respect dat u've lost I'm sorry I really can't help. 

And people, If they be true to themselves & not blindfolded they'll see the truth. I pray to Allah that they'll see what is right & wut is wrong.

Life is long, and I choose to be strong. Allah, He's always by my side.

I'm still learning the life lesson.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Kalau dia sayangkan akak, kenapa dia tak pernah pegang akak?


Sup lovelies! Sup or what's up bukan sup as in sup tulang ke sup sayur okay, hoho. I got a lot of works to do, but I guess I need to write it here since I was scribbling my notebook for stuff that I want to share with you guys. Lagi pun belog ini asyik ta update je, padahal banyak sangat benda na cerita. Well guilty feeling possessing, I'm obliged to say sorryyyy. Ehhhh >,<

 Please read it from the bottom to the top

Betul kan, everywhere you go people keep talking about marriage. Mushy here and there. Even you getting invitations from your own friends, same age kot to their wedding. Your junior even, younger than you is getting married. Like marry marry marry, kahwin kahwin kahwin. O_o

But that's not what I'm going to talk about. What with my title? Closely related lah kot dengan ape yang saya cerita kat atas tadi. I have this one friend, a girl. She's cute, older than me. One day, where girl's talk taking the space she told me about her boyfriend. I'm here no way to embarrass her, I just want to share with you all. SOme might know, and the other might never ponder about it. She told me that, her current boyfriend is not her first love but since that guy loves her so much so she decided to give him a chance. Few times they went out together, she said

"Akak pernah terfikir, dia tu gay ke sebab dia tak pernah nak pegang akak. Ta kira la holding hands ke, pape. Even kat dalam kereta bila akak na lean on his shoulder he refused. Akak takut la dia tu betul ke suka akak, suka perempuan. Kalau betul dia sayang akak, kenapa dia tak pernah pegang akak?"

Okay. Kalau you sekolah agama u can say this one is ridiculous. But I didn't go with it. Bitch please, jangan berlagak sangat. Ta semua orang tahu benda ni. Right?

This is what I said not exactly la but briefly ; 

" No lah akak, bukan dia tak suka or tak sayang akak tapi dia nak jaga akak. Saya pernah baca, dalam hubungan ni, lelaki adalah nakhoda. Ta kira la bf gf husband and wife, sesebuah hubungan tu kelangsungan dia pada lelaki tu. Kalau dia tak pegang akak maknanya dia sayang akak lah. Dia nak jaga akak. He acknowledges that he's not in the position to treat u that way. He aware that it might leads to something else. Pernah jugak baca lelaki kalau dia betul sayangkan kita, dia tak akan pegang kita sebelum kita sah jadi milik dia. Sebab apa? Sebab dia hormat kita. Dia tak kan mahu kita tanggung dosa. Lelaki yang baik adalah lelaki yang berusaha untuk menjadi ketua dalam hubungan yang dibina, maknanya dia nak something serious. Bukan na kata lelaki yang pegang-pegang tu ta serious, ada je yang serious pun tapi it's better that way lah. Keep things in line. Tyra rasa relationship is about making u worth for each other. Dia berubah jadi lebih baik, kita pun berubah lebih baik. Cause a real relationship is not sehari dua, fikir lepas kahwin lagi macam mana. Anak- anak? Kalaulah sebuah hubungan tu dipenuhi dengan dosa, macam mana kita in the future? Berkat kena fikir jugak, sebab hidup kita ni panjang lagi."

Macam baik je saya cakap macam tu kan. Tapi saya cuma berkongsi dengan akak tu apa yang saya percaya. Banyak lagi yang kami cakap tapi ta boley la na tulis semua >,< , lepas tu akak tu menangis, she hugged & thanked me. 

I'm not in the position nak condemn sesiapa, sungguh. Saya pun tahu, cakap macam gampang, susah kot nak buat! Dan mungkin saya belum pernah merasai lagi bagaimana perasaan sebenarnya kan. So saya tak nak cakap lebih-lebih sebab saya takut cakap- cakap saya ni makan diri sendiri pulak. Naudzubillahh... Cuma, benda yang kita tahu dan kita mampu buat tu, amalkan lah. Sebab dosa ni sekali kita buat, nak buat lagi. Lama-lama dah biasa lepas tu nak lagi... 

 Okay, tu je lah kot. Dan saya masih lagi berdoa (refer to da picture above). Doakan saya jugak ye kawan-kawan? ('=

Wednesday, May 2, 2012



I always envy those who know how to really speak their feeling out loud on their blog because if it's me I think I just can't. Like in my real life, I don't tell anybody how I'm feeling except for certain people who really close to me. Sometimes even, they know I'm sad but they do not what is the reason behind it. 

I wish I can really shout it out so that you guys could know what i'm going through inside, how much I'm battling with my own feeling over something and etc. I might seen as a strong girl, yeah maybe. But if I open up, you'll just realize that how vulnerable I am. But the problem of appearing strong is people think it's okay to hurt you because you are strong enough to bear with it! Then? Whatever lahh -,- Just stay strong and screw it. Maybe it's just unfriendly, insecure feeling inside that turn out to be something I never expect. 

But the answer is ;

Goodnight, sweet people (=