Sunday, December 14, 2014

#Zine 2 ; Kekasih


Who else have flowing of thoughts and ideas when it is 330 am in the morning?


Kini tinggal aku seorang
Merenung mimpi kita tak kesampaian
Ku cuba gapai bayang impian
Terluka tanganku ditusuk serpihan

Kasihku mungkin tak tercukupkan
Maafkan khilafku serba kekurangan
Telahku cuba ukir kepercayaan- menanam sebanyak sayang
Untuk suatu hari nanti aku hadiahkan

Mungkin nanti kalau kita bertemu
Takkan kau jumpa senyum dirautku
Bukanlah juga telah kulupakan dirimu
Hanya kusesali sayang yang kumula simpan

Namun nanti setelah 
kulepaskan terbang
Jerit namaku- takkan ku toleh lagi kebelakang.

TYRA. 13/12/2014 - 550 am 

Hero- less HEROIN


I've been watching movies, to seek some inspiration, to release some loads, to restore faith in love and life as cliché as it sounds. I'm a crybaby when it comes to movies, I take it personally, I'm feeling it more than I think I am.

These days have been tough, tell me when life isn't? It has always been like that, no chance at nothing at all. So one day I watch this movie coach carter, it was one of the best inspiring movies to me, I got goosebump watching it. Richmond High School where the place was set up, only graduated half of his students and only six percent of them go to college. Most of them go to jail, that just how their neighborhood was. When Coach Ken Carter took the job he intended to have this special young group of students to be different, he went through a really rough patch doing what he did with so less supports from almost everyone around him. The school, the neighbourhood, parents, even the boys themselves (well at first), everybody did the trash talking, undermining his efforts; said his methods were a bit extreme when he didn’t allow the boys to play ball unless they've met the required CGPA and honour few other clauses in the contract as they did sign.

I'm not attempting a movie summary here, and there goes the rest of the movie. Coach Carter succeeded in executing his plans after all.

The movie inspired me the most; it was honest, philosophical, and biblical. I took a lesson or two from it. That’s just one.

Then I came to think that every movie that we watched, none of them portrayed a smooth sailing journey of a person, if you've watched The Vampire Diaries, Elena lost every single person that she ever loved except for his two boyfriends because they were immortal obviously, they were vampires anyway. What else, Abraham Lincoln- The Vampire Hunter, her mother was killed by a vampire in front of his eyes back then when he was a little boy, he grew up holding the revenge finally found ways to throw em to hell hole. How much he strived the be the man he was, he had his only child killed, he dedicated his life to his nation rather than just to himself and the man he became was a remarkable President of the United States. Homeless to Harvard, the title reads it. That was a homeless earned every penny of scholarship studying at Harvard. What else?

It just shows that in life we are inflicted with challenges and struggles, everyone is struggling, you just don’t know. Stop thinking that you are carrying the burden of the whole world. One thing at a time you definitely can nail it. So I take it this way, don’t worry if you've riding jumpy bumpy life, keep going, don’t give up just yet, I bet you still remember Miley’s words ‘you gotta be strong, just keep moving on.’ If you’re not going through enough hardships, your life stories might not be worth watching, if your life  doesn’t incur sweats, tears and bloods to get to the place you've been dreaming maybe you don’t live a life worth living.

Be your own hero, a heroin doesn't need a hero all the time. 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

A Letter From Ibu


I always love the idea of a guy being in love with me and her mother is the one who appreciate it so much because there was something good happened to her beloved son after he met and knew me. Thing such " I like how much he changed after knowing you, for good causes." I always love the idea that I will be able to have another mother who loves me the way my umi loves me. That much. I always love the idea, we will make a good pact, the son, the mother and me, my umi. I don't know, I've been in a situation where I started to imagine things like this. It should be good right? :)

That was a total random. 

Anyway, here is another thing called "stuff I wanna tell my future children, daughters especially."

Dear children, 

Just be a nice person, it's really that simple, my love. The world has plenty of people who are filled with angst and hate. But don't be one of those people. Be someone who can light up a room with their smiles, lend a helping hand whenever possible, treat others with respect, and be comfortable enough with yourself to bring others up even if they try to bring you down. Don't be afraid to peruse your passions, try new things, see new places, set goals, fail, learn and grow. YOU are in charge of your life story and no one else. So make sure you're living it for yourself and it's a story that worth reading... any struggle, heartbreak, or obstacle will also pass. You may feel like your world is crumbling all around you and you'll never be able to move forward. But I promise you... you're strong you are capable and you will persevere. You know I know that right? Because you're tough cookie just like you mom, and her mom, and hers before that. Enjoy the ride sweetheart, it's all part of beautiful journey. 

One last thing to my smart, beautiful children that I haven't met yet. Always remember two of the most important things in your life; yourself and your family. There is no love like the love you should have for yourself and that of your family. Never forget Allah is always by your side, He loves you more than I could love you. Remember that my dear, you will be just fine :) 

                                                                                                       -Your Ibu. 

I found this somewhere, I thought this is inspiring, and amazing that some people are going through the same struggle like I am(portrayed in the letter). Just two paras that are so comforting. Mothers would definitely encourage their children to pursue their ambitions, but don't forget to tell them to be nice, kind, and passionate to people. Treat others with respect, not so many of us do that. It probably will start with us now, be one and be the mother who remind them to possess those attitudes. Our little efforts could make this world a better place to live for all of us.

One more thing, 

Hey, would you mind not falling in love with me for the idea that you thought who I am and what will I be? Cause I might not anything you thought I am. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

"I Was There Too"


It has been two weeks that I'm currently doing my practical here in Kompleks Mahkamah Syariah Kota Bharu. It exhausting me seeing people who are not willing to work out their marriage, rather spitting the dirty laundry and let everyone knows that they fail each other.From khuluk to re-marriage, from A to Z.

There was one day, we witnessed a case of hadhanah. A father applied permission from the court to have his children overnight with him once in a while, cause the mother had the custody upon their agreement years back. The court granted the application and the father is allowed to do so though the mother looked so reluctant. Me and my friend had a sight of their back door negotiation, we saw how the father apologized to his ex wife saying he just wanted to spend times with kids as much as he could. Minutes after that,we saw the mother sobbed her heart out at the edge of the room, left us wonder. 

But I guess my friend here got the answer, I found her note I thought I wanna share it here. 



I might not know exactly what your fear is, but I know that you're afraid of losing your kids because that is what's left for you out of the shattered dreams or beautiful moments you had with your husband before. We hold onto our past sometimes, I do understand that. I do not know completely how or what you feel, but I know for sure that you won't lose your kids to anyone. They love you as much as you love them. I'm sorry I know I shouldn't be writing this to you but when I heard your story, I can see the younger me in your kids. Years ago, I was them too. I can relate how they might feel about most of the things. But your kids are so lucky. I grew up being my dad didn't even give a darn about me, it was all on my mother. He didn't want me, but your kids, their father loves them as much as you do and they deserve it. 


Kids like me and like your children need as much love as we could ever feel to complete the broken pieces of our tormenting life story. Because believe me your kids never wanted to feel different, abandoned, resented by the fate of life. But you could help them not to feel the resentment, by giving them the love both of you.

One day when they grow up, they will thank you dearly.

I believe, your kids will grow up better than me, better than everyone of us, InsyaAllah.

I was there too,

Tak tahu juga apa yang saya akan dapat throughout this term of pratical, it seems like another not so beautiful side of life stories. We are all have our own struggle that others do not know anyway. But I do pray to God, may the tears today won't be the shadow of our smiles tomorrow. And whatever happens to all of them that I witness, may God makes it easier for them to get through it. 

Because life gets tougher. We just need to be stronger.

Saturday, June 21, 2014



I feel a lot and now this is what I feel. Each and every word, literally. But I know this is just temporary. Enjoy every bit while it lasts. 


Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
oh bayangmu seakan-akan

Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku
yg memanggil rinduku padamu
seperti udara yg kuhela kau selalu ada

Hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang
tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang
dan sepi, dan sepi

Selalu ada, kau selalu ada
Selalu ada, kau selalu ada.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Great Gatsby & Life Story


They said, reading and writing, could be ample therapy. Let me try. 

Last night I just got the chance to watch The Great Gatsby. Lame Tyra is lame. It was a bit similar to Titanic, I think. What I mean by similar is, the struggle of a forbidden love between two persons(Titanic did this too) are basically the storyline is about, the scenes pretty much so classical and vintage, remarkably rich and elusive too. The same person, which brings you down to the memory lane, Sir Leonardo Dicaprio. The ending was utterly resemble, the hero was dead in the water. Except for this one he was shot to death, in Titanic Leonardo Dicaprio was dead out of extremely and unbearable cold water. As if he was the same guy, gold heart, big dreams, kind yet innocent. A guy with vision and that is what keeps him living everyday. Thing about both movies is, you will feel this unexplainable odd expression, it was so beautiful, carved with thousand of untold feelings and dreams. Too bad wasn't a happy ending. Well that's always life, I suppose.

It's like a living proof that persons with good heart always end up being lonely, and not appreciated though how much they've done to many. It teaches me sometimes, your long struggle and dreams live in a form of human being and u misunderstood it as love. And you thought that, that gonna liberates yourself and free you from sickening painful past, wipe out your endless suffering but it is not. So many times, love deceives you, so often you contain hopes for love that you forget you chain yourself to something so indefinite. You lost. Big mansion, pretty face, goddess fame but empty soul, alas solitary. 

So much that I dun believe in love, yet I miss that one person on the other half of the world! Irony.

Let's talk about real life a bit. People say distance sucks, distance makes your heart grow fonder, distances give a bitch slap on your face. Indeed they were right. On top of that, please come back safe and sound. My heart, I'm afraid it couldn't afford worrying any worse. 

And school & struggle, so many things yet so little strength. Something must sucked it up that I was left empty without it. God Lord, remind me again why I'm doing all these. 

Keep the faith, keep climbing. It's all about the climb.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Fly High


If I'm telling you this, you probably won't understand. Either you never try to communicate with your internal self or you never try to signify things that happen around you. To the smallest thing =p

I had this on my mind long time ago, when I was on my way home. After I endured a lot of things, struggled with hybrid of emotions. Dwelling in so much pain and self pity, and trying to get myself out of the dark hole. Well, I'm trying to walk through the tunnel by the dot of light now anyway. But yeah at least I find the dot to keep me going. I guess, it's getting bigger. The light. I hope so. 


 It was when we left Myanmar. Thing I love the most about flying is, you're leaving a strange land that you had been. It has taught a lot of new life lessons to you. Meeting different people living different ways of life from you. You had your eyes for some that you wish you could bring them home, or that temporary feeling actually left you with a lot of things to wonder. Sweetheart stranger. Of your eyes hooked to someone special you wish it never happened.

Ultimately amazing memories and companions, of moments you wish you could remember every second of it. You wish you could live it again another life. Of journey that you never thought you will pass by. People, places, moments, memories, laughter, smiles, anxiety, excitements, blessings, flashing in your minds one by one. Your feeling is about to explode, but your tears won't stream down because they're all good things that took place after all. There was no regret. You just enjoy the ride, you're content. It hurts to say goodbye but at the same time you thank all the beautiful reminiscences. 

And of approaching the land, or the place where you know you belong to. You have this faith that you gonna come again, see the same places, might be with different persons, different you that are coming but everything, everyone happened is worth keeping. Deep in your heart.

You smile. You shiver, anxiety of leaving a remarkable journey. Not to forget the excitement of eventually going back home. That feeling. And you fly high, so high. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Of Life Decisions


If you happened to read my previous post, Two Diverging Roads now I'm writing again. To which one the road is taken. Here's my story.

I consulted a lot of people before I've came to the decision. It takes tears, pain and courage for me to decide. That few days of deciding(not including the days I suffered out of indecisive mind) was probably one of the hardest thing I've been trough my life. I'll go for the leadership program and not JESSUP. I know another thing I gotta face is my teammates. How I'm gonna break the news to them?

How I'm going to say this? After all, the news was circulated that I'll be leaving the team and won't be competing for JESSUP. Truth is no, I'll stay with the team until the end it's just I'm not there for particular days and I won't be mooting at the day of the competition. Things are hard for me, I just don't wanna make it even harder for all of us. It's not the best option to take it as I'm leaving the team, I didn't mean it and never wanted to do so. I'm sorry. I am really sorry.

They did a lot, they sacrificed for me. They let me go, they tried to understand. How people endured all these because of me, I'm not happy about that too. Yeah I know I told myself not to regret this, but seeing em doing it without me somehow tore me apart. All these feelings, mixed up.

Walking through this page of my life, I learned a lot. You might say that I made a mistake, I myself hardly hold it for myself too. I thought, it's gonna be easier by time. But it is not, I'm not happy when I was excluded for mooter drilling(obviously, I'm not going to compete after all). It is among other things that I want in my life. That was why I signed up for it at the first place. But I contained myself, it was my decision, no regret. I decided. You know when you make up life decisions you need to live with it. No turning back. 

In time, I learned which people to trust, which friends party-biatching-me on social networks when I got stuck on the edge, spit everything poisonous, as if you never heard me and reckon my situations.

Well I guess friendship is not as sweet as "Friends" sitcom.

Be that as it may, seeing a lot of them pretending like nothing happened, moving on, be nice to me still is an enormous punishment ever. True, smile. It's the biggest punishment and revenge. I admire their courage and their kind hearts. I thank Allah for having such people surrounding me. I won't forget your kindness for the rest of my life.

Ultimately I'm able to understand my own complicated self, as human being. I spare room for mistakes so that I could learn from it. Pretty much remind me to Britney Spear's song, tripping steps in life to learn who are we. Above all, I wanna thank God, cause He knows why this happened. He dictated this, and I believe it worth reasons. This lesson of making life decisions, sometimes it's what you need but not what you want, and another way round. Of knowing people and real friends, to forgive and try to forget, to move on and dance with life's rhyme, to keep calm and have faith Allah always has a better plan for you, me and all of us.
For every test inflicts upon you is to purify yourself, don't take it for granted, be true to yourself, stay bold and gold. 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Two Diverging Roads


Even to write this, I was paying myself a consolation.

Here's the situation, two things I've been dreaming finally came to my grip and I tried to hold it tight. U cannot do so many things in life, but there's a thing you wanna do, you are able to do it and you have good chances to do it. But just so you know, chances do not always come twice. It's almost a miracle if it does.

If people perceive that it seems like I got everything I want or even things that another people been wanted too, no I do not. Life didn't work that way. Or even if I got it, I didn't get it easily through. It takes the hell out of me. People's walk of life might not be beautiful as you see, as you thought.

Accusing life's bitching with me, or asking question like "why does this happen to me?", "life is so not fair to me", "Why God allowed this to inflict me?". I am over that kind of questions. I've moved on from that phase. Neither it was easy nor it takes shortly. I tried to believe that things happen for reasons. God has reasons for everything He dictated. He wrote reasons too why it turned out that way and I just need to keep calm and believe good things come to those who wait. I regain that faith, I try to keep that faith, I spell out that faith in me the moment I wake up everyday of my life. I did.

Between three layers of selection and 3 Malaysians get the chance to the occasion.

Which one would you choose?

I've been through three layers of selection to be Jessup Mooter, I was honoured to be in the team that consist of all seniors but me the only junior. I joined mooting for the first time when I was in second semester year 1, Law Asia Mooting Competition. Earlier on I participated Jessup as one of the fellow researchers. Somehow, I backed out from the team because I couldn't cope up with it at that very moment. I was just learning Malaysian Legal System(first law paper learned in first year) and I couldn't brain all those treaties, declaration, international laws, so on and so forth. Maybe I didn't try hard enough but that I marked it. I betrayed the team, I backed out. That was the first mistake I regret, until now.

After all, I was given the chance again. By God, by the team ultimately the super seniors after all what I did. To be one of Jessupers(that's how we call it Jessup members), and to be mooter! To be mooter! It is different this time because we have set the goal, where we wanna go and what we want to achieve. I am blessed to the five lined up mooter for this mission we have this time around.

On the other side of coin, on September I got an offer to join a leadership program for two years time frame in few countries. It will benefit me for my long run journey, and I was among the three Malaysians accepted to be sent to the program. Not many but three after some evaluations done too. They knew I had another commitment on February, Jessup Oral Submission will be anytime on February. I was told that the first session will start on March 2014, and the first training will be held twice. I can choose to go for the first or second session. But not when I received an email to inform the initial training will be conducted on early Feb, and there'll be only one initial training. If I couldn't make it to the initial training, I won't be accepted to continue the second training afterwards. They need me to confirm before 27th December 2013.

I consulted few people, mostly advised me to go for both. Consulted few team members as well, they said competition will usually be held a week or two after the new semester begin. Which constitute towards the end of the month. I didn't confirm to the offer until 26th December, I sent the confirmation to the Admission Board. The initial training is scheduled from 3-8th February. I will depart from KLIA on 2nd of Feb, will only be back in Malaysia on 9th Feb. I pray to God it won't anyway colliding so I can do both.

Last night when I was in a group study with my colleagues, first paper will start the next day in the morning anyway. I received a text telling me that Jessup Oral Submission date has been released, 7-9th of February. I was knocked down for a moment. I lost my focus, it was no way disturbing me. All the time the moment I knew up until the second I sat for my first paper I was numb. I try to regain my focus, I did but somehow it falls from grace once in awhile.

I was discussing it with my research partner about the whole thing, we went up to mooting chamber to have a conversation about this. My super senior greeted me with grace the moment I opened the door and came into the room. I sat down, I looked at her. She didn't notice anything just smiling and continuing doing her things. I didn't burst in tears the moment I knew that it collides and I probably need to choose one of it at the end of the day. But I cannot help but venting out my feeling with tears coming out of my eyes when I saw her face. That moment.

If you ever cried remembering your parents and all those things they did to provide you, or how much they did for you, their sacrifices and everything, how much they bear your bad times and bad self. That was the feeling when I look at her face, it was for how much she bears me in the team after what I did in my first year. As well as in the current occurrence, I am not a good team member. I'm not good in my research, neither I always in the mooting chamber to be with the rest of the team members. I couldn't betray my team after all the things that happened. Not her again. This is her final year, though I can not make her happy at least I do not resent her. I know how much she went through for the team, for Jessup all this while. No way it was easy for her and I never wanted to make it hard for her too.

My life wasn't beautiful all the time, but God give me beautiful things that I could do in my life. And these are few of it. These are the things that make me happy, these are the things that make me feel "ahhh, it's worth it" or make me say "life's being good to me." I do not want to ask that question "why is this happening to me". It was over. I have faith for whatever it is, there must be something. At least that is what I am holding to right now.

So I am in the middle of two diverging roads. I tell you, it is a situation. I do not expect this coming but it came anyway. I haven't yet deciding which one I'll go for. But I know I need to take the bullet. And that bullet will determine a lot of things. I pray to God that He guides me all the way, and please be with me for whatever decision I will make. I wish it was easy for me. At some point, I wish this is all a dream. A bad dream. But it is not.