Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Of Life Decisions


If you happened to read my previous post, Two Diverging Roads now I'm writing again. To which one the road is taken. Here's my story.

I consulted a lot of people before I've came to the decision. It takes tears, pain and courage for me to decide. That few days of deciding(not including the days I suffered out of indecisive mind) was probably one of the hardest thing I've been trough my life. I'll go for the leadership program and not JESSUP. I know another thing I gotta face is my teammates. How I'm gonna break the news to them?

How I'm going to say this? After all, the news was circulated that I'll be leaving the team and won't be competing for JESSUP. Truth is no, I'll stay with the team until the end it's just I'm not there for particular days and I won't be mooting at the day of the competition. Things are hard for me, I just don't wanna make it even harder for all of us. It's not the best option to take it as I'm leaving the team, I didn't mean it and never wanted to do so. I'm sorry. I am really sorry.

They did a lot, they sacrificed for me. They let me go, they tried to understand. How people endured all these because of me, I'm not happy about that too. Yeah I know I told myself not to regret this, but seeing em doing it without me somehow tore me apart. All these feelings, mixed up.

Walking through this page of my life, I learned a lot. You might say that I made a mistake, I myself hardly hold it for myself too. I thought, it's gonna be easier by time. But it is not, I'm not happy when I was excluded for mooter drilling(obviously, I'm not going to compete after all). It is among other things that I want in my life. That was why I signed up for it at the first place. But I contained myself, it was my decision, no regret. I decided. You know when you make up life decisions you need to live with it. No turning back. 

In time, I learned which people to trust, which friends party-biatching-me on social networks when I got stuck on the edge, spit everything poisonous, as if you never heard me and reckon my situations.

Well I guess friendship is not as sweet as "Friends" sitcom.

Be that as it may, seeing a lot of them pretending like nothing happened, moving on, be nice to me still is an enormous punishment ever. True, smile. It's the biggest punishment and revenge. I admire their courage and their kind hearts. I thank Allah for having such people surrounding me. I won't forget your kindness for the rest of my life.

Ultimately I'm able to understand my own complicated self, as human being. I spare room for mistakes so that I could learn from it. Pretty much remind me to Britney Spear's song, tripping steps in life to learn who are we. Above all, I wanna thank God, cause He knows why this happened. He dictated this, and I believe it worth reasons. This lesson of making life decisions, sometimes it's what you need but not what you want, and another way round. Of knowing people and real friends, to forgive and try to forget, to move on and dance with life's rhyme, to keep calm and have faith Allah always has a better plan for you, me and all of us.
For every test inflicts upon you is to purify yourself, don't take it for granted, be true to yourself, stay bold and gold. 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Two Diverging Roads


Even to write this, I was paying myself a consolation.

Here's the situation, two things I've been dreaming finally came to my grip and I tried to hold it tight. U cannot do so many things in life, but there's a thing you wanna do, you are able to do it and you have good chances to do it. But just so you know, chances do not always come twice. It's almost a miracle if it does.

If people perceive that it seems like I got everything I want or even things that another people been wanted too, no I do not. Life didn't work that way. Or even if I got it, I didn't get it easily through. It takes the hell out of me. People's walk of life might not be beautiful as you see, as you thought.

Accusing life's bitching with me, or asking question like "why does this happen to me?", "life is so not fair to me", "Why God allowed this to inflict me?". I am over that kind of questions. I've moved on from that phase. Neither it was easy nor it takes shortly. I tried to believe that things happen for reasons. God has reasons for everything He dictated. He wrote reasons too why it turned out that way and I just need to keep calm and believe good things come to those who wait. I regain that faith, I try to keep that faith, I spell out that faith in me the moment I wake up everyday of my life. I did.

Between three layers of selection and 3 Malaysians get the chance to the occasion.

Which one would you choose?

I've been through three layers of selection to be Jessup Mooter, I was honoured to be in the team that consist of all seniors but me the only junior. I joined mooting for the first time when I was in second semester year 1, Law Asia Mooting Competition. Earlier on I participated Jessup as one of the fellow researchers. Somehow, I backed out from the team because I couldn't cope up with it at that very moment. I was just learning Malaysian Legal System(first law paper learned in first year) and I couldn't brain all those treaties, declaration, international laws, so on and so forth. Maybe I didn't try hard enough but that I marked it. I betrayed the team, I backed out. That was the first mistake I regret, until now.

After all, I was given the chance again. By God, by the team ultimately the super seniors after all what I did. To be one of Jessupers(that's how we call it Jessup members), and to be mooter! To be mooter! It is different this time because we have set the goal, where we wanna go and what we want to achieve. I am blessed to the five lined up mooter for this mission we have this time around.

On the other side of coin, on September I got an offer to join a leadership program for two years time frame in few countries. It will benefit me for my long run journey, and I was among the three Malaysians accepted to be sent to the program. Not many but three after some evaluations done too. They knew I had another commitment on February, Jessup Oral Submission will be anytime on February. I was told that the first session will start on March 2014, and the first training will be held twice. I can choose to go for the first or second session. But not when I received an email to inform the initial training will be conducted on early Feb, and there'll be only one initial training. If I couldn't make it to the initial training, I won't be accepted to continue the second training afterwards. They need me to confirm before 27th December 2013.

I consulted few people, mostly advised me to go for both. Consulted few team members as well, they said competition will usually be held a week or two after the new semester begin. Which constitute towards the end of the month. I didn't confirm to the offer until 26th December, I sent the confirmation to the Admission Board. The initial training is scheduled from 3-8th February. I will depart from KLIA on 2nd of Feb, will only be back in Malaysia on 9th Feb. I pray to God it won't anyway colliding so I can do both.

Last night when I was in a group study with my colleagues, first paper will start the next day in the morning anyway. I received a text telling me that Jessup Oral Submission date has been released, 7-9th of February. I was knocked down for a moment. I lost my focus, it was no way disturbing me. All the time the moment I knew up until the second I sat for my first paper I was numb. I try to regain my focus, I did but somehow it falls from grace once in awhile.

I was discussing it with my research partner about the whole thing, we went up to mooting chamber to have a conversation about this. My super senior greeted me with grace the moment I opened the door and came into the room. I sat down, I looked at her. She didn't notice anything just smiling and continuing doing her things. I didn't burst in tears the moment I knew that it collides and I probably need to choose one of it at the end of the day. But I cannot help but venting out my feeling with tears coming out of my eyes when I saw her face. That moment.

If you ever cried remembering your parents and all those things they did to provide you, or how much they did for you, their sacrifices and everything, how much they bear your bad times and bad self. That was the feeling when I look at her face, it was for how much she bears me in the team after what I did in my first year. As well as in the current occurrence, I am not a good team member. I'm not good in my research, neither I always in the mooting chamber to be with the rest of the team members. I couldn't betray my team after all the things that happened. Not her again. This is her final year, though I can not make her happy at least I do not resent her. I know how much she went through for the team, for Jessup all this while. No way it was easy for her and I never wanted to make it hard for her too.

My life wasn't beautiful all the time, but God give me beautiful things that I could do in my life. And these are few of it. These are the things that make me happy, these are the things that make me feel "ahhh, it's worth it" or make me say "life's being good to me." I do not want to ask that question "why is this happening to me". It was over. I have faith for whatever it is, there must be something. At least that is what I am holding to right now.

So I am in the middle of two diverging roads. I tell you, it is a situation. I do not expect this coming but it came anyway. I haven't yet deciding which one I'll go for. But I know I need to take the bullet. And that bullet will determine a lot of things. I pray to God that He guides me all the way, and please be with me for whatever decision I will make. I wish it was easy for me. At some point, I wish this is all a dream. A bad dream. But it is not.