Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Of Life Decisions


If you happened to read my previous post, Two Diverging Roads now I'm writing again. To which one the road is taken. Here's my story.

I consulted a lot of people before I've came to the decision. It takes tears, pain and courage for me to decide. That few days of deciding(not including the days I suffered out of indecisive mind) was probably one of the hardest thing I've been trough my life. I'll go for the leadership program and not JESSUP. I know another thing I gotta face is my teammates. How I'm gonna break the news to them?

How I'm going to say this? After all, the news was circulated that I'll be leaving the team and won't be competing for JESSUP. Truth is no, I'll stay with the team until the end it's just I'm not there for particular days and I won't be mooting at the day of the competition. Things are hard for me, I just don't wanna make it even harder for all of us. It's not the best option to take it as I'm leaving the team, I didn't mean it and never wanted to do so. I'm sorry. I am really sorry.

They did a lot, they sacrificed for me. They let me go, they tried to understand. How people endured all these because of me, I'm not happy about that too. Yeah I know I told myself not to regret this, but seeing em doing it without me somehow tore me apart. All these feelings, mixed up.

Walking through this page of my life, I learned a lot. You might say that I made a mistake, I myself hardly hold it for myself too. I thought, it's gonna be easier by time. But it is not, I'm not happy when I was excluded for mooter drilling(obviously, I'm not going to compete after all). It is among other things that I want in my life. That was why I signed up for it at the first place. But I contained myself, it was my decision, no regret. I decided. You know when you make up life decisions you need to live with it. No turning back. 

In time, I learned which people to trust, which friends party-biatching-me on social networks when I got stuck on the edge, spit everything poisonous, as if you never heard me and reckon my situations.

Well I guess friendship is not as sweet as "Friends" sitcom.

Be that as it may, seeing a lot of them pretending like nothing happened, moving on, be nice to me still is an enormous punishment ever. True, smile. It's the biggest punishment and revenge. I admire their courage and their kind hearts. I thank Allah for having such people surrounding me. I won't forget your kindness for the rest of my life.

Ultimately I'm able to understand my own complicated self, as human being. I spare room for mistakes so that I could learn from it. Pretty much remind me to Britney Spear's song, tripping steps in life to learn who are we. Above all, I wanna thank God, cause He knows why this happened. He dictated this, and I believe it worth reasons. This lesson of making life decisions, sometimes it's what you need but not what you want, and another way round. Of knowing people and real friends, to forgive and try to forget, to move on and dance with life's rhyme, to keep calm and have faith Allah always has a better plan for you, me and all of us.
For every test inflicts upon you is to purify yourself, don't take it for granted, be true to yourself, stay bold and gold. 

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