Even to write this, I was paying myself a consolation.
Here's the situation, two things I've been dreaming finally came to my grip and I tried to hold it tight. U cannot do so many things in life, but there's a thing you wanna do, you are able to do it and you have good chances to do it. But just so you know, chances do not always come twice. It's almost a miracle if it does.
If people perceive that it seems like I got everything I want or even things that another people been wanted too, no I do not. Life didn't work that way. Or even if I got it, I didn't get it easily through. It takes the hell out of me. People's walk of life might not be beautiful as you see, as you thought.
Accusing life's bitching with me, or asking question like "why does this happen to me?", "life is so not fair to me", "Why God allowed this to inflict me?". I am over that kind of questions. I've moved on from that phase. Neither it was easy nor it takes shortly. I tried to believe that things happen for reasons. God has reasons for everything He dictated. He wrote reasons too why it turned out that way and I just need to keep calm and believe good things come to those who wait. I regain that faith, I try to keep that faith, I spell out that faith in me the moment I wake up everyday of my life. I did.
Between three layers of selection and 3 Malaysians get the chance to the occasion.
Which one would you choose?
I've been through three layers of selection to be Jessup Mooter, I was honoured to be in the team that consist of all seniors but me the only junior. I joined mooting for the first time when I was in second semester year 1, Law Asia Mooting Competition. Earlier on I participated Jessup as one of the fellow researchers. Somehow, I backed out from the team because I couldn't cope up with it at that very moment. I was just learning Malaysian Legal System(first law paper learned in first year) and I couldn't brain all those treaties, declaration, international laws, so on and so forth. Maybe I didn't try hard enough but that I marked it. I betrayed the team, I backed out. That was the first mistake I regret, until now.
After all, I was given the chance again. By God, by the team ultimately the super seniors after all what I did. To be one of Jessupers(that's how we call it Jessup members), and to be mooter! To be mooter! It is different this time because we have set the goal, where we wanna go and what we want to achieve. I am blessed to the five lined up mooter for this mission we have this time around.
On the other side of coin, on September I got an offer to join a leadership program for two years time frame in few countries. It will benefit me for my long run journey, and I was among the three Malaysians accepted to be sent to the program. Not many but three after some evaluations done too. They knew I had another commitment on February, Jessup Oral Submission will be anytime on February. I was told that the first session will start on March 2014, and the first training will be held twice. I can choose to go for the first or second session. But not when I received an email to inform the initial training will be conducted on early Feb, and there'll be only one initial training. If I couldn't make it to the initial training, I won't be accepted to continue the second training afterwards. They need me to confirm before 27th December 2013.
I consulted few people, mostly advised me to go for both. Consulted few team members as well, they said competition will usually be held a week or two after the new semester begin. Which constitute towards the end of the month. I didn't confirm to the offer until 26th December, I sent the confirmation to the Admission Board. The initial training is scheduled from 3-8th February. I will depart from KLIA on 2nd of Feb, will only be back in Malaysia on 9th Feb. I pray to God it won't anyway colliding so I can do both.
Last night when I was in a group study with my colleagues, first paper will start the next day in the morning anyway. I received a text telling me that Jessup Oral Submission date has been released, 7-9th of February. I was knocked down for a moment. I lost my focus, it was no way disturbing me. All the time the moment I knew up until the second I sat for my first paper I was numb. I try to regain my focus, I did but somehow it falls from grace once in awhile.
I was discussing it with my research partner about the whole thing, we went up to mooting chamber to have a conversation about this. My super senior greeted me with grace the moment I opened the door and came into the room. I sat down, I looked at her. She didn't notice anything just smiling and continuing doing her things. I didn't burst in tears the moment I knew that it collides and I probably need to choose one of it at the end of the day. But I cannot help but venting out my feeling with tears coming out of my eyes when I saw her face. That moment.
If you ever cried remembering your parents and all those things they did to provide you, or how much they did for you, their sacrifices and everything, how much they bear your bad times and bad self. That was the feeling when I look at her face, it was for how much she bears me in the team after what I did in my first year. As well as in the current occurrence, I am not a good team member. I'm not good in my research, neither I always in the mooting chamber to be with the rest of the team members. I couldn't betray my team after all the things that happened. Not her again. This is her final year, though I can not make her happy at least I do not resent her. I know how much she went through for the team, for Jessup all this while. No way it was easy for her and I never wanted to make it hard for her too.
My life wasn't beautiful all the time, but God give me beautiful things that I could do in my life. And these are few of it. These are the things that make me happy, these are the things that make me feel "ahhh, it's worth it" or make me say "life's being good to me." I do not want to ask that question "why is this happening to me". It was over. I have faith for whatever it is, there must be something. At least that is what I am holding to right now.
So I am in the middle of two diverging roads. I tell you, it is a situation. I do not expect this coming but it came anyway. I haven't yet deciding which one I'll go for. But I know I need to take the bullet. And that bullet will determine a lot of things. I pray to God that He guides me all the way, and please be with me for whatever decision I will make. I wish it was easy for me. At some point, I wish this is all a dream. A bad dream. But it is not.