Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Southpaw and my life


I know I left this blog unattended for a veryyyyy long time and I swear to God the last post just give a false impression about me. 

I have nothing much to tell, this blog has always been a place I visit when I feel like writing, just the inner monologues that I couldn't keep, I have to write it here, online. 

I've been down on my knees, life is spiraling north and south, just couldn't stop hitting me. 

"What a self-pity that you have to tell yourself to be strong every day."

But there is always kindness in everything, a dot of light in the sorrowful darkness.

"I don't think its self-pity. I think that telling yourself to be strong every day is a sign that you'll become someone great one day"

"She was unstoppable not because she didn't have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them. Be unstoppable."

Nobody told me that tomorrow is a long day, today is suffocating you?

They said I'll become great one day, I shouldn't stop and always have to keep moving.

You gotta love random people spreading good vibes, don't you? 

Today I watched a movie, yeah when I'm sad I watch  movies, read books or sleep. I can't contain too many thoughts on my own at one time, I need distractions. 

So this movie. Apparently, it was a guy who lost his everything to a loop of life. Of course, he screwed almost everything, one after another. He took the biggest hit before he finally sobered up and  he took a leap of faith, getting on his feet to fix it again. He worked hard, he learned from his mistakes and live with the consequences, he built up to fight again for his life. He took chances you see, something I don't do too often. He started again from rock bottom up up to the top. It is indeed not easy to get your life in order. 

Questioning your sanity, your self-worthiness, your ability and those that coiled up with your past is excruciating you found yourself weeping your heart out in the middle of the night. 
I think by now I have to bear this in mind that, nothing falls into its places effortlessly. Yeah, questioning why it is easy for some and not for you won't help a bit. You have your own battle. some wise man said it's not just about destiny, it's about the journey. And yes I know it's not easy to start, you might don't know where to start, but you just have to start somewhere. You'll get there. 

At the end, nothing is given. The only thing that needs to be given is, to give yourself a chance. 

Godspeed dear self, Godspeed. 

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Perempuan Tepi (Side Chick)

Perempuan Tepi (Side Chick)
(anak indie, tulis puisi ikut suka hati, ha ha)

Hati meruntun merindui
Menitip doa dari sanubari 
Semakin sebati dalam diri
Helaian kisah hidupmu yang kubelek setiap hari
Kuukir dan kupatri
Namun aku cuma seorang perempuan tepi 

Walau pernah kau kejeriji besi 
Sebagaimana terpenjara rasaku ini
Terpasung mimpiku di malam hari 
Aku tetap mengasihani
Walau aku cuma seorang perempuan tepi 

Kau helang yang terbang tinggi
Singgah disini seketika cuma
Kutunggu kunjungmu tak pernah henti
Berpaut sebentar kau pergi lagi
Hakikatku, seorang perempuan tepi 

Ingin aku berada disisi, menemani
Bukan jauh di tepi, dipandang sunyi,
Inginku melangkah menyaingi
Sampai ke sorga abadi
Namun sayang, aku hanya perempuan tepi. 

I want to live little for myself, but I have to be big for my future and my children. 


Monday, January 25, 2016

That's How I was Loved.


In the coldest of night when everyone was shivering, you wrapped around me with the only thick cloth that you wore to keep me warm, you resisted and you were freezing yourself
That's how I was loved. 

When I had a bad day, you are willing to spend hours on the phone just to listen to my rumblings and rants even you were out in the morning, working the whole day to 3 am in the morning. Responding to everything I uttered, got scolded if you said the wrong things but you didn't fail to calm me down and listen to literally everything I said. 
That's how I was loved. 

Cheer me up, making me laugh in seconds when I was in tears scaring for my future and my haunted past. 
That's how I was loved. 

Asking my opinions in decisions you made and appreciate my judgement in making conclusions. 
That's how I was loved. 

Buying me Stabilos, Sharpies, cookies when it's almost finals week & reminded me everyday to study hard and do my best. Believed in me I can do it. 
That's how I was loved. 

Sent me pizzas and sushis in the middle of night meetings just because I said I was hungry. 
That's how I was loved. 

Say sorry repeatedly even you were not wrong so you won't ruin my mood. 
That's how I was loved. 

Buying my parents and brother presents as to say hi to them when it's flying hometown time. 
That's how I was loved. 

Didn't yell back at my face when I was all screaming and arguing over the littlest things. 
That's how I was loved. 

You will make sure you're the first person that greet me in the airport with flower bouquets and the sweetest smiles. 
That's how I was loved. 

Checked me out when you had time while working just to know how my days went so far and immediately attend to it if there's anything I needed.
That's how I was loved. 

Called me every night just to listen to my voice before you hit the hay after a long day, your sleeping pill it was.
That's how I was loved. 

Put up with me in my high and low. 
That's how I was loved. 

Promised me that you will love me in your life time and eternally. 
That's how I was loved. 

Told me you will do anything within your abilities to be with me, forever you said. 
That's how I was loved.

I didn't know if I was loved enough. 
Love might creeps out of the window. 
We might fall in love with the right people but at the wrong time. 
Maybe our love wasn't blessed by fate, is damned by destiny. 

Thanks to today's conversation, I reckon how does it look like "love creeps out of the window". What does a relationship means for some. 
We all have different phase of relationship that we're going through. Thus, in every moment of high & low, give it a space. It makes ones sweeter, or bitter. It is different from one to another. Thus, give it space. Something bigger will come later. Love is icebergs in a deep ocean, blizzards in the winter, crevasses in mountains, thunder in shuddering of nights. Can you survive? It's all cold and lethal. Thus, love is only for the strong ones. Weak people don't love even though they might be loved. 

In the end, it's not about how it ends, it's about how we loved each other. And that, is how I was loved.